1.George Carlin – When it comes to bullshit, big time, major league, bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion. No contest. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these 10 things he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ‘til the end of time … But he loves you.
2. Dave Allen – An atheist and the pope are having an extended discussion. Finally, with a bit of frustration, the pope says to the atheist “you are like a man in a dark room, looking for a black cat, that isn’t there”. The atheist says to the pope, “We have something in common”. Pope is quizzical so the atheist continues “you are like a man in a dark room, looking for a black cat, that isn’t there. The difference is you found it.”
3. Emo Phillips – Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
4. Gilbert Gottfried – At the last supper, how come no one sat on the other side of the table?
5. Richard Jeni – I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you’re going to war over religion, now you’re just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.
6. Unknown – A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian. She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too. Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air. There’s just one girl who doesn’t raise her hand. So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. The girl says, “Because I’m not a Christian.” The teacher asks, “So what are you then?” The girl replies, “I’m an atheist.” The teacher’s a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she’s an atheist. The girl says, “It’s just that my family isn’t religious. My Mom’s atheist, and my Dad’s atheist, so I’m atheist.” The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason.” she says loudly. “What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?” “Then,” says the girl, “I’d be a born-again Christian.”
7. Unknown – Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They’re already enlightened.
8. Christopher Hitchens – A woman is visiting in Northern Ireland. She is aware of the tensions in that area. She is therefore on guard as she goes to a pub. Sure enough someone comes up to her and asks “What religion are you?” She gives her carefully practiced answer “I’m Jewish Atheist”. But her interlocutor is not dissuaded. “Yes, but are you a Protestant Jewish Atheist or a Catholic Jewish Atheist?”
9. Collected by Tanay Karnik – Atheism and Religion are two sides of the same coin. One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.
10. Mahatma Gandhi – “I like your Christ; I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”
11. Ariel Williams – An atheist commits suicide and is surprised to find himself in heaven.
“Wow,” he says to God, “you know I didn’t expect to be here. I’m an atheist and on top of that I thought you’re not supposed to go to heaven if you kill yourself.”
“No, it’s okay,” says God. “I’ve thought about suicide myself.”
“Really?” asks the man. “Why?”
“Well,” God says, “what if this is all there is?”
12. Dan Barker – A Christian woman asks her atheist husband to come to church with her one Sunday, and since he loves her very much, he agrees. They sit through a lengthy service of prelude music, invocation, choir music, announcements, passing of the plate, hymn singing, prayers, passionate sermon, more prayers, more passing of the plate, and benediction. After the service, the pastor comes up to the man and says:
“It was nice to see you in church this morning. So, do you believe now?”
“Yes, I do,” says the husband. “After hearing your very long sermon, I now believe in eternity.”
